Staying Straight in Sochi
Greetings Olympians of all nations! Welcome to Mother Russia, home of no sun, no fun, and no sissies. We hope you enjoy your stay in Sochi, “The Antidote to Club Med.”
It has come to our attention that there is some controversy regarding our acceptance of sexual deviates into these glorious Olympic Games. The tolerance of our great nation has been called into question.
We can categorically state that these accusations are completely without merit. They are lies, perpetrated by the vast, homosexual conspiracy, in a perverted attempt to tarnish our good name.
There is absolutely no truth to the rumors that we intend to discriminate against abominable gays or lascivious lesbians during the XXII Winter Olympic Games. To the contrary, all are welcome.
We are, however, an ancient and manly culture, and we will not tolerate any disgusting propaganda promoting the homosexual lifestyle to our impressionable, succulent youth.
Make no mistake: Those of you who would attempt to “convert” our beautiful Russian figure skaters with your diseased words of same-sex seduction will feel the power of our iron fist.
Commit such a crime and we will throw you into a Siberian prison where you can enjoy homosexual debauchery to your corrupted heart’s content.
But this is today’s enlightened Russia, the repressive days of the KGB are long gone. All consenting adults are free to sully their bodies in any repugnant way they wish, in private, quietly. Our policy can be summed up in four words: “Nyet ask, nyet tell.”
Allow me to illustrate which behaviors are sanctioned and which will cause the weight of the state to descend viciously upon your hindquarters.
You may dress in pink if that color is an integral part of your national flag. Men are permitted to hold hands with men, and women with women, solely for the purposes of “shaking.” Kissing on the podium is discouraged, but not strictly forbidden, unless you use tongue.
Females should refrain wearing pants in Sochi, but it is allowable during the two-women bobsled competition, unless our great Russian engineers perfect the “side-saddle” sled in time for the games. In which case skirts are mandatory.
In the spirit of international cooperation, all languages are permitted. But lisping in any of them is strictly prohibited.
Remember, what we really care about is not what you do, but what you say. Unfortunately, some of you have attempted to abuse our fabulous Russian hospitality. We have already intercepted these “coded” messages to our youth.
“Hey, young men of Russia. Are you tired of all our pretty girls running off to marry rich Americans? Do all the women left in your town look like Soviet Tractor models? Why not give boys a try?”
“Is our miserable weather getting you down? Can’t stand that “block of ice” feeling in your pants anymore? Nothing takes the chill out of those icy Moscow winters like a steamy specimen of Russian manhood in your bed. Cuddle up, Sergei and Boris! All the cool kids are doing it!”
That’s the kind of sick thing that will get you prosecuted. But we won’t discriminate against gays. As long as you’re old, ugly and silent.
We refuse to rear our children in a homosexual Russia. Gayness slams against everything we cherish in our masculine history. We could never bow before leaders named Ivan the Twink, Auntie Joe Stalin, or Peter the Great.
Nor will we allow aspersions against our paragons of pure, honorable, femininity. What’s next? Will someone claim that our beloved Empress Catherine had relations with a horse?
Remember that you are in Russia, a nation so favored by God he blows up a meteor over our skies, once a century. We are not to be trifled with.
We Russians are no strangers to the obscenities that can be committed when one’s back is turned. The thrust into Poland, the rape of Finland, the plunge into the Baltics, we know what a repressed bully can do to innocence.
But you are here visiting a smiling, friendly Russia where your moral health is our highest concern. We leave you with these words of wisdom from our peerless leader, Vladimir Poofter.
“Have fun when you’re in Russia. Lift your heels in a gleeful Siberian Squat Dance, sing the maudlin dirge of the Volga Boatman, raise a glass to the celebration of heterosexual humanity that is the Sochi Winter Games!
“But be careful when you drink our powerful, manly, Russian vodka. After six Stolis all the boys start to look like Justin Bieber.”
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