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Public Love Letter. By T.C. Heard

Posted on Sunday, 25th March 2012 @ 02:29 PM by Text Size A | A | A

I was always told to let the past make you better and not bitter. All of us have own our inner demons, struggles, insecurities and obstacles that we must overcome. Our emotions are a blessing yet a curse in the same breath. We’re made to feel and many emotions we rather not feel. But here’s to emotions because without them, we wouldn’t experience love and happiness. Those two wonderful emotions have their counterparts hate and sadness, the two emotions that we feel once love and happiness is gone. These four emotions are always at war inside my body.

In the last almost six years let’s just say my love life hasn’t been the greatest. I have a feeling because it’s because of one relationship that I let affect all my other ones. In order to accept, deal, let go and move on, I feel the need to purge. I feel as though, my life is going to be put out there anyways with my book, so why not emotionally purge in my public love letter. So here goes…

To the abusive prince, the two previous letters were meant for you. I don’t regret loving you because without you, I wouldn’t be working on my masterpiece. Bringing the truth about our relationship out of the shadows may save the lives of other women and men going through what we went through. “The Bright Smile” isn’t just a healing process for me anyone, the more I write, the more I grow and realize that I’m fulfilling one of the many purposes the higher power has for me. I thank you for that.

To Mr. Bad-Timing, it seems the timing was always wrong and we were too different. There was a lot of miscommunication between us two. But our biggest problem was probably my jealousy and the fact that my heart still belonged to another. I didn’t even have the heart enough to face you and break up with you face to face. Instead like a coward, I broke up with you in a text message. And every time we thought about trying again, neither one of us could admit our true feelings for each other. But at least we’re still good friends.

To the first heart I broke, I’m sorry. The two of us were really different. Although we didn’t last very long, I loved you in my own little way. I didn’t give you a fair chance, and I let the words or everyone else pressure me into the decision of letting you go. I always said I couldn’t handle your attitude and how different we were because of how we handled things and behaved. I’ll admit that I lied and said I wanted to go to college single, but in reality, I went back to my abusive prince and didn’t officially break up with him until May ‘11. I couldn’t tell you that because I know how you feel about the things that he’s done to me. I was stupid and I’m truly sorry for hurting you.

To the one that got away, I never thought I’d loved someone as much as I loved you. You were the reason why my first “final” breakup with my abusive prince happened after graduation.  You were the only one I can actually say that I would’ve given up everything to help you raise the beautiful little girl I fell in love with. I let the chance for us to be together slip straight through my fingers. Then you went to California and came back completely transformed. No one knows what happened while you were there to make you into the unrecognizable person you are now, but just know that wherever you are, I hope you try and find you way back to happiness again.

To the one who I thought was Mr. Right, don’t know what really happened here besides a lot of bullshit on both parts. Not going to put you into the same category with you-know-who, but at the same time, you did just about everything he did besides put your hands on me. You’ve hurt me worse than anyone else. You say that that was not your intention and maybe that’s true. But it’s hard to believe. When we were together, not going to lie, I fell hard and maybe because you were different from everyone else I dealt with and I liked that. I let my guard down and the hopeless romantic in me wrapped around the idea of having someone. That’s why our breakup came to a surprise and the reason was beyond stupid. Then when we were on our road to being “friends”, well we were more friends with benefits, and I found myself not wanting to let go. But you say I make things difficult, and maybe I do. And you’re always talking about how much my emotions are too much to do with. Well, you knew I was falling pretty hard, and if you were feeling uncomfortable you could’ve stopped way before it got too fucking far. Our biggest problem was miscommunication. You have no idea the pressure that was put on me to get rid of something I wanted. I did that for you! Regardless, if I had to put a 360 spin to my life, I was willing to give up everything. I would have found a way to make everything happen; it would’ve been a little harder but so what! I have to live with this unbelievable guilt not you, because seem to just drop people on their asses. But you know it’s cool. I wish you nothing but happiness. And I thank you for teaching me what not to deal with and not to settle for. And now that I reflect you didn’t always treat me like you were supposed to. And if it doesn’t start off with the right treatment I deserve, it damn sure won’t end in that kind of treatment. And it didn’t. So thank you for lessons learned.

My biggest problem is that I can’t let go of things, but that’s about to change. Because I’m the only one who’s losing sleep over bullshit that doesn’t even matter anymore. The more I hold on to things that are holding be back, the longer it takes for me to reach all of the blessings that God has in store for me. I’ll admit I’m struggling, but in order for a butterfly’s wings to become beautiful and bright; the butterfly must struggle to get out of the cocoon so that the fluid from its body can go in its wings. And I believe it’s almost time for me to spread my wings.

“…Still I have faith. Somehow I believe that if I keep love in my heart it will find its way to me. I could fight, seek revenge, but that’s not who I am. No I’m not giving in, I will rise above. I’m going keep walking though it may seem far. I’m gonna keep preaching when life gets too hard. Not gonna let you bring me down, I’ll take the high road…”

–        JoJo, The High Road

So to end my public love letter, all I have to say is that I’ve accepted the things that have happened to me. I’m dealt with most of it and dealing with the rest of it. I’m letting it go so that I can receive my blessings, and I’m moving on

With Much Love,

T.C. Heard

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