A Very Personal Letter from T.C. Heard

Posted on Tuesday, 3rd April 2012 @ 04:24 AM by Text Size A | A | A

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I really don’t know how to start this off because my emotions are not in the right place. In this, I’m going to try and be as honest with myself as possible. I feel like every time my heart gets broken by someone other than you, I hear your voice in my head whispering “I told you so”. Then, I feel the need to just run back into the always open arms of yours. Those arms of yours aren’t the best place for me to be, I know it because of the harm the hands of attached to those arms have caused me. But I’m at war with denial and reality. I find myself making excuses for you and covering for you even when you’re wrong. As I write our story that is soon to be shared with the world, I relive some of our horrors.

Right now, I’m not in the greatest health, and I’m lying in bed thinking about you nonstop. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m sick and I’m longing to be taken care of by someone, or I just want my comfort zone, which is you. You see, I keep lying to myself that I deserve better than you because the bad outweighs the good. However, through my eyes, I can’t see how I do. And maybe that’s just my insecurities talking, because we both know I have many. I just wish I could see myself the way that everyone else sees me. I hear all the time how beautiful, intelligent, loving, caring, and wonderful I am; how I’m the girl that puts the smile on people’s faces, and that’s funny and so sweet. But when I look in the mirror I don’t see that. I don’t know what I see, but most of the time it’s never that. And most of that is because of you! For years, you tore me down and ripped apart what little confidence I did had!

Because of you, I can’t trust anyone or allow them to get to know the real me is. Hell, I don’t even know who the hell she is anymore! I wear a mask, my smile, everyday just to keep people from knowing what’s really wrong with me. I feel like I don’t need anyone taking care of me because if they get too close, they’re out to hurt me. I don’t feel safe with people close to me. Anytime I feel like I am truly happy, I can never fully enjoy because I know it won’t last. You and my parents make me feel like I’m a burden on people. And because I feel like I’m a burden, I try to hold in all my pain and keep quiet about how physically sick I really am.

Even though we’re not together anymore; even though when I lie alone at night lonely as hell and feeling empty I wish we were, I still feel like we together. I still feel like I’m living this double life that constantly gets me into trouble because I have to constantly lie to everyone that I don’t talk to you anymore. Everyone knows I hate lying because one: why lie?! And two: I’m not very good at it! I don’t think neither one of us know the severity of our situation. I’ve lost friends, and I continue to lose them over you; because they know what you’ve done to me and I keep going back. You’ve lost everyone for what you’ve done to me; you’ve lost your own damn mother because of how you’ve abused me! I’m all you have left.

I’m not going to lie, I feel guilty and somewhat at fault. Apart of me thinks I deserve some of the abuse. Why? I don’t know and I can’t answer that. I don’t think I can ever answer that question. The other part of me just wants to know why you hurt me so bad when all I did was try and try and try to be the best almost wife for you. I catered to you; I gave you everything I had even when you sucked the life out of me. I wish I could say your name in this, but what happened to us? What did I do so wrong to be treated like that?!

In reality, I’m still very young, but we both know I’m not patient. But I’m the true dumbass because no matter what, I still love you. I’m still trying to see the good in you to see whether we could give this one final shot because I feel like I’ll never find love again. I dated someone else, and fall hard, but I’m pretty sure I completely fucked up that relationship. Most of it wasn’t my entire fault but I feel like majority of it was. Even in the aftermath with this person sucks. After him, I think I really don’t want to start over with anyone else. I was pressured into a decision that I didn’t want to make, and ever since then my heart, well what’s left of it anyways, has grown cold as unbreakable ice.

But back to us, I honestly can’t give you a yes or a no right now. If I say yes, I become a fraud and my book will lose its importance. If I say no, I have to deal with my emotions and pain instead of suppressing it. Both of us have a lot to work on in our own lives, and I don’t think we’re ready to date anyone right now. Besides losing what I wanted to keep, this is by far the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make.

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